Faint Light of Dawn
by 0ceanship
Summary: "And then he woke up, and she was still gone, and he had still pushed her away." One-shot


Hello all. This is a thing I decided to make.

I don't know how I feel about this.

This is for my beautiful friend Meghan.

Okay.

Thanks for reading.

* * *

He dreamt of her again.

It was a different kind of dream.

The kind that left him with a blissful feeling, a content afterglow.

She was laying on her bed, her head propped up against her headboard and a soft pink pillow, her legs bent to hold her book steady while her free hand moved an unruly curl from her vision. He was lying next to her, a pen between the fingers of one hand, a notebook in the other.

His mouth moved, he'd seen, but he heard no words, no, not in this dream. Her pink lips curled into a smile, and he knew he must've said something funny, for those pretty pink lips parted and a laugh tumbled out, and even in his dream it was the most glorious sound, reaching into him and plastering a smile across his face as well.

He spoke again, moving closer, and once more, he heard nothing but the gentle sound of Clare's every breath. Then she nodded, her cinnamon curls bouncing with the action as she turned the page again, pretending to be focused on the words on the page. He leaned in, brushing his nose past her cheek, pecking her soft skin and _god _it was like he could still smell her perfume. She sighed, and smiled again, threading her fingers through his hair. "I love you, Eli." She whispered, and the very words sent chills through his body, his lips parted to speak, the words were there on the tip of his tongue, but it was all too late.

He was awake now and she was gone.

The once pink sheets were now gray, the notebook in his hands was replaced with nothing but a clenched fist and the girl with the book had long vanished.

Pulling himself out of his sleep was testing, for she was always there in his dreams, always there, kissing him and loving him and being right there by his side.

And then he woke up, and she was still gone, and he had still pushed her away.

He'd seen her in the hallway, and her curls were still the same.

Not that he'd expected they'd changed over the two week period that they'd been apart, but the nostalgia was still there, no matter how long it'd been since he last got to run his fingers through the wavy mess of shoulder-length locks.

She'd noticed him, or so he guessed, she'd been laughing with Alli, her heart- stopping smile evident, but not quite the same as it had been.

He hated to assume that it was because of him, but something told him it was. She caught his eye and her smile fell, shaking her head a bit and turning away, taking her friend along with her, who shot him a look.

Dragging himself out of bed, the boy scoffed a bit as he noticed the time, twelve-thirty, pretty early for a Saturday. In his case that is.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, his heart sank at the frame perched on his desk, a picture of Clare, with him at her side, one Cece had taken when neither even had the slightest clue. A picture he wouldn't dare take down, no, a picture he _couldn't _take down. Not even if he tried.

The two were smiling, Clare's face had turned bright red and he appeared rather smug, as they leaned up against Bullfrog's car.

He gulped, bringing himself back to the present.

Because he knew he was only hurting himself.

Because he knew it was all over now.

Shaking the thoughts, Eli pulled a t-shirt over his head, grabbed his headphones and slipped on a dark pair of jeans, making his way down the steps, being met with Bullfrog at the bottom of the staircase, a bright orange pill bottle in hand. Like clockwork.

"You're up early for a Saturday, should I be worried?" He chided, his hearty laugh filling the otherwise quiet foyer. "Yeah I…I don't know, I was thinking I'd get up early and go on a walk or something." He cleared his throat, holding out a hand, his father bobbing his head to the music in his head and placing two pills in the boy's hand.

He placed the white tablets on his tongue, taking them with ease like he'd grown so used to.

He'd been keeping up with his medication, but after recent events, Cece and Bullfrog had no other choice but to keep their guard up.

"Take your phone, and Elijah," Bullfrog began, his words becoming serious, his joyful exposition fading into something of fear, "just…don't do anything stupid, okay?"

Eli swallowed the lump in his throat, guilt immediately taking over at the thought of the meeting held in Mr. Simpson's office.

He nodded, per his father's request, grabbed his phone and quickly left his house behind, walking to nowhere in particular.

He put on his headphones, remembering the ones he'd let Clare borrow just a year ago, before everything had gone wrong, the first time that is.

The music was loud, and he hummed quietly to himself as he strode out of his neighborhood, shoving his hands into his pockets. His therapist had advised he take up physical activity again, something about how it had kept him so well distracted last time.

But this time around it was very different.

He was better, or 'getting there' at least.

He didn't wake up in a cold sweat every night, thinking of that morning in the greenhouse. He could go a day without smoking with Jake and he'd been opening up nicely, or so it'd seemed.

But something seemed to be left behind, something still seemed to be missing from this and no amount of medication could bring back what he had thrown away this time.

Nothing could bring her back.

She was this overpowering beam of light that always seemed to crash through his shield of gray, and as cliché as it had sounded the first time around, he needed her.

Still walking, he couldn't help but wish that the blue eyed girl would turn the next corner.

He couldn't help but wish he would chase her down and apologize for all the wrong he'd done. But even if she was there, and even if he did that, she wouldn't take him back.

And the worst part was- he wouldn't blame her.

He still couldn't hate her.

She wasn't just his rock, no, she was like the whole goddamn wall. She held him up, she gave him support, and most importantly, she never left.

She picked him up when he wasn't even sure himself if he'd ever want to get back on his feet again.

She held his hand when he had used his own to push her away.

She was the dim flame in a room full of dark, refusing to burn out.

That is until he took it out himself.

Eli wasn't exactly sure how long he'd been walking, or even what song he was on but before he knew it, he was in her neighborhood, looking at her house.

He saw no cars, and thought maybe that now would be the best time. Go up and knock on the door when no one was home just to prove to himself that he _could_ do it. Shit, at least he'd be doing something.

With no word of warning, with no plans or premeditated thoughts, Eli's slow stride had turn into something of a sprint.

As if he was racing against his own fears, beating them to the door so that he'd really be able to do this. He had to do this.

Bringing himself to her doorstep, he turned off the music, letting the headphones wrap around his neck. Panting, Eli held out a balled fist, inching closer and closer to the door.

Sucking in a harsh breath, he clenched his eyes shut and knocked, quickly retracting his hand and running his fingers through his hair.

Seconds became hours and with each passing moment he cursed himself for stepping in front of her door, but he held his ground.

He had to do this.

The knob began to turn and he noticed the door open slowly.

_Fuck, _He thought, deciding there was no way he could run away now.

She was right there in front of him and she was as beautiful as she was in his dream.

Her eyebrows pinned together and her arms crossed over her chest, looking less than pleased with who had been standing at her doorway.

"I really don't want to do this right now, Eli."  
Her voice was sharp but still as soft as ever and he closed his eyes for a moment taking in a shaking breath before opening his lips to speak,

but nothing came out.

"Eli I really don't want to go through this aga-."

"I'm sorry."  
She laughed a little, but it wasn't like the one in his dream. No, this time she turned away from him, and pulled the door with her, almost shutting it before he stopped it with his foot.

"Wait, please…" He practically whimpered holding out a hand to press against the door, their faces close. She shook her head but he only persisted, slipping inside and following after, grateful that no one else was home.

"Clare, wait!" He rose his voice, reaching out a hand and capturing her wrist in his hold. She finally turned to face him and her cheeks were red, tears stinging her bright blue eyes.

"Clare…"

"You're not allowed to do this. You're not allowed to play the perfect boyfriend and then run away when things get a little too hard. You're not allowed to come crawling back to me every time you realize you've made a mistake, and you're certainly not allowed to make me the bad guy. Not anymore."

His heart shattered beneath his chest, and he couldn't help but wonder if this is what she'd been wanting to say all along.

"Clare I just wanted to-."  
"No!" She screamed at him, ripping her arm out of his grasp but standing her ground. "I don't care about what _Eli wants_. I don't care about your excuses. And you want to know why? Because every time you let me in, you just push me right back out again and I can't keep letting you do this to me."

Tears were now slipping down her cheeks, her breathing was heavy and she stared at him with such passion he thought he might crumble right in front of her.

Her anger slowly slipped into something of pure sadness, and the tears fell freely, she no longer even tried to hold them back, and part of him wanted to walk out of the door and leave her life forever. But that'd be easy. And if their relationship was anything, it certainly wasn't easy.

"I just wanted to help you, I was all in, Eli." she whispered, turning and beginning to walk away but he only followed, touching her shoulder to turn her around once more, pushing the bangs from her eyes, surprised when she didn't smack his hand away.

"I know that. I do."

She shook her head, opening her mouth to speak again but being cut off.

"Clare, when I found Cam, the only thing I wanted to do was hide. I wanted to turn my back and let it come crashing down on me later, just like I always do. I wanted to run away and act like I wasn't scared shitless that one day…I'd lose you too."

"I thought that maybe if I just pretended it never happened then I could get the nightmares to go away. But they didn't…and you pushed and pushed and _pushed_, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I thought drugs would make it go away but it only made everything worse. I was terrified, Clare. I just wanted to move on and you just wanted to talk about it."  
Clare began to speak again, but he only shook his head, starting up once more.

"-I was wrong! I was wrong for everything I did! I'm an idiot for shutting you out, especially after you forgave me for everything I did to you. Clare, I don't expect you to take me back. I certainly don't expect you to forgive me but God please just know that I am so sorry, I'm so sorry and

…I love you. Just know that through all the stupid shit I did, through all the lies and the secrets, I still loved you. I couldn't stand the fact that you still had to protect me from myself when I was so convinced that everything was fixed. But it never will be, and I've accepted that."

He was crying now, warm tears finally cascading his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Clare. I'm just so sorry."

She didn't say a word, her pretty pink lips stayed in a perfectly straight line, fresh tears still running down her face.

It was over, for the first time, he was out of things to say.

Her eyes fell to the floor before looking up at him again, nodding a bit.

"I know you are." She told him, clearing her throat before taking a step closer to him. "I know." She added, and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body close to his.

"I love you, I still love you." She whispered, and he could feel his knees weaken beneath him as he held her tighter, never wanting to let this moment go. Not even for a second.

She sniffled softly against the shoulder of his shirt and he held her against him without a care in the world.

"You have to promise me you'll stop pushing me away." She muttered and he nodded eagerly "Of course," Eli agreed, pressing his lips to her curls, her hair tickling his skin, the faint smell of her shampoo filling his senses.

"And promise me that there will be no more lies…"

"Never again, sweetheart. I promise."

"Just one more thing, Eli." She spoke softly, pulling away from their embrace and locking eyes with him. He gulped, nodding slowly as he waited for her next set of words.

"Kiss me." She breathed and he leaned in, brushing his nose against hers, taking in the smell of her perfume, it was even better than he dreamt.

"Gladly," He whispered, and he pressed his lips against hers.


End file.
